It is kind of strange. While feeling so confused the last few months, I chose to confuse myself even further by reading novels, presuming that I could really get away from the confusion by submerging myself completely in it, once and for all. And I believe I did.
My head is cleared. So clear it is - my mind, that I feel I am a rational animal once again. At this moment, I really don't need any novels, except for enjoyment or studying, just in case I can really make a living playing with them, which I find not very possible. So I may as well return to something more concrete, until the new waves of confusion hit me.
And more, my schedule is going to be goddam full like a UG again. I just have no room for the confusion. Which is good. That is only possible, I think, because I am going to have a job, and certainly not less, because I don't love anybody now. I may like certain persons, but I will not let them become a big part of me unless I am a big part of them. That sounds a lot fairer. At a certain point, you really have to accept.
So, what's the so-called meaning in life? My answer used to be extremely simple. To make myself happy by making others happier. By doing more people-watching, I gotta conclude, it has no fixed answer. It only has good answers and bad answers. And my previous answer is, indeed, a very bad one. I will keep thinking..
I am thankful for the journey so far, even though I don't like it very much. Hope it is not going to be like a perpetual search, my good god..
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