I lost my motives, again..

I suddenly want to be occupied, in whatever ways, just to let my brain settle down. My thoughts enter a dead end (死胡同) that I don't even have the courage to write them down (so what follows are the least crazy ones).

For sure I won't get mad, coz I'm just not the type of people that would get mad. But I start to feel like I have to play "Ah Q" sometimes, just to calm myself down.

The problem is, it is so tough to find a "meaningful" goal. I can't really convince myself. Not even being a true teacher is meaningful enough, although it is already the most meaningful "conventional" job that I could ever think of. For if I teach, and if I really can exert, however small they are, certain positive influences, it may not help myself or others. What's the use then? I just want internal peace.

I should probably stop these silly thoughts and just live as I wish, although I ain't sure if it is possible at all, living in such a dull city (or dull Age) day in and day out.

I should not study history (then there will be nothing to compare), I should not read any literature (then there will be no aspirations), and I should never touch, I really mean touch, any philosophy at all (then I don't have to be bothered by some questions that I have no power to answer). I don't regret, but I simply shouldn't.

A true thinker, or more elegantly, a true philosopher, should never attempt to withstand the tides, but simply hold his own, for the sake to maximize happiness. But I just can't, so I probably shouldn't think too much. That maybe the best way.

Just enjoy the stories. The characters there are "realer" than the real.

p.s. I am going to laugh at myself later. I am sure.

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The origin of all these thoughts, probably, is the damn question "What is your career goal" posed by the interviewer yesterday. I ain't really sure. How can I be sure??!! Can I answer in this way: I just want to be a HUMAN!